


Memories

by Avidreader6



Series: Whumptober 2019 [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Clint Barton Feels, Clint Barton Needs a Hug, Deaf Clint Barton, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Phil Coulson, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Avengers (2012), Stony Pre-slash, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-10 14:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20853437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avidreader6/pseuds/Avidreader6
Summary: Whumptober 2019 Day 1: Shaky HandsThe team finds out Phil is alive but there are some complications.





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> First time doing whumptober, so let's see how this goes.

The day they find out that Coulson is, in fact, alive, Clint sinks into a chair in disbelief. Tears fall from his eyes, but he can’t find it within himself to care who sees. Phil is alive and while they don’t know what kind of condition he’s in, Clint and Natasha share a look that promises they will be going to get him. 

On the day, they all decide to go to the SHIELD facility where he’s being kept with the exception of Banner who opts to stay at the tower. When it’s time to leave, Clint watches Stark grip Banner’s shoulder and lean in to whisper something in his ear which makes the other scientist smile and relax a little. He catches Rogers watching too, though his expression is more fond than assessing.

When they arrive, Clint watches Rogers charm his way inside, using a bright Captain America smile. It’s almost as good a fake as Stark’s and when the agent gets flustered, he can see why it works. 

Clint hangs back as they move through the halls. He keeps his eyes on the floor in front of him, only occasionally looking over at Nat, walking at his side. He can feel the looks and mistrust from every agent, doctor, and nurse they pass. It’s Natasha’s presence at his side, and the steady glare she gives everyone that helps him keep moving. 

Turning his focus to the two men in front of them, Clint can see Stark talking quietly to Cap, making little jokes and asides that even Clint finds himself smiling about when he catches them. When Rogers actually laughs at something Stark says, Nat nearly walks into the stunned billionaire. 

A nudge in the ribs makes him turn his head so he can see Nat sign, “how long?” her eyes flicking to Stark and Rogers. 

Clint watches the pair and signs back, “fucking or dating?”

“Both.”

“Fucking by the end of the week, and,” Clint watches Rogers lean in to catch what Stark is saying even though he doesn’t need to. “Dating in a month. Usual stakes?”

“Usual stakes.”

Their conversations stop when they see Fury waiting for them at the end of the hallway. 

Stark moves forward with purpose, the expression on his face promising nothing good. Cap stops him with a hand on his chest and Clint is impressed when Stark doesn’t combust then and there. After a few whispered words with Stark, Cap looks over his shoulder at Clint and Natasha. 

“Do you two want to take the lead, here?”

Clint shakes his head. He’s not sure what would come out of his mouth if he were to try and say words. 

Natasha takes a half step forward, placing herself in front of Clint. She always has his back. She is one of two people Clint gives that much trust and the other is currently in a hospital bed only a matter of feet away. 

“We’ll back you, Cap.” Her eyes never leave Fury and Clint knows he’s facing the patented Black Widow stare. 

Cap nods and his attention turns back to Fury. “We want our teammate back, Director.” His tone is firm and with Stark standing there with him, Clint doesn’t know how Fury can refuse.

“Captain, my agent,” Fury’s eyes don’t stray from Rogers, but it’s clear he’s addressing them all and making his claim for Phil as his and SHIELD’s. “Is still at risk of dying. Again.” 

“I don’t think so, Fury.” Stark’s voice is cold and empty. “You let us think Coulson was dead. No phone call to tell us he’d been revived. No email. No letter. Not even a fucking fax. Now let us through.” 

Stark moves closer to Rogers until they’re pressed together blocking Fury’s view of Clint and Natasha. He brings a hand behind his back and they watch him give a little finger wave, signaling them to go. Like the shadows they are, they sink back and duck down a different hallway.

They come from behind Fury this time and as they move silently forward, they can hear Stark’s voice getting louder and angrier. There are also a few half-hearted attempts from Cap to calm him, but their acting is impeccable and Stark keeps the focus on himself. 

“Maybe this whole team thing could work after all.”

Nat rolls her eyes and moves to the window of Coulson’s room. “It will when we have Coulson back. He brings out the best in everyone.”

Clint steps forward and tries to peer through the blinds. He appreciates Nat speaking in the present tense, even though he’s a little shocked by the sunny optimism there. “He does. Look at us, after all. Ex-carnie mercenary and a Russian assassin who are now SHIELD’s top agents.”

Natasha rolls her eyes again, but there's a smile on her face. She's the one who starts to reach for the door and Clint is grateful because he knew he couldn't do it. Before she can open it, they hear Stark yell, “abandon ship! Pirates!”

Natasha turns her head and sees Fury striding down the hall. “Barton, Romanoff, before you go in…”

Clint is angry now, hands shaking as he balls them into fists at his sides. “What? He’s not actually in there? You’ve brought him back to life and he’s now Frankenstein’s monster?”

Fury’s face contorts and Clint is suddenly even more worried. He moves closer to Nat, intent on telling her to go inside when she speaks, “what did you do? Coulson is awake and okay, isn’t he?” There’s no answer, so she asks again. “Isn’t he?”

“There was a lot of damage. Coulson was dead. Bringing him back,” Fury pauses, eyes darting to the door. “There was...loss.”

“How much?”

“He’s remembering more and more every day.”

“How much, Fury.” It’s Clint asking now, even though he’s pretty sure he already knows the answer.

“Currently, everything after Budapest is a blank.”

Clint is moving before he even realizes, pushing past Natasha and opening the door. Just like Natasha had guessed, Phil is sitting in the hospital bed, looking mostly healthy. He’s still very pale, chest swathed in bandages, but he’s reading a file and chewing on a pen cap as if it’s just another day at SHIELD.

Phil looks up, eyes meeting Clint’s. “Barton, I’m glad you’re here. I’m hoping you can help me fill in some blanks.”

Mouth dry, Clint nods but starts backing toward the door, needing to escape. “I...I’ve got to go. Good to see you Phi-I mean-boss.” 

“Barton?” Phil stares into Clint’s eyes, hands already trying to clumsily push the blanket off his legs and get up. “Clint? Don’t go. Please?”

Clint’s not listening, though. He crashes into Natasha as she is coming in, pausing just long enough to find his balance again. She starts to grab for him, but all it takes is one look at his face for her to hold her hands up and let him go.

He barely hears Rogers calling after him as he moves in the direction of the stairs. He needs air. Needs to not feel trapped. 

He takes the stairs two at a time until he bursts out onto the roof. Sucking in lungfuls of air, Clint tries to calm down and be still. The panic begins to ebb until he remembers it was Phil who helped him find this method of calming down. Panic fills him again and he drops to his knees. Phil’s voice in his head telling him to breathe in for a count of five and back out again. Closing his eyes, Clint forces himself to listen.

He’s not sure how long he’s been kneeling, the pain from gravel digging into his knees gives him something to focus on that is not Phil. Eventually, he does hear someone calling his name. It seems far away, but when he lifts his head, the sounds are closer and he’s surprised to see Stark sitting next to him. 

“Back in the present, Barton?”

It’s only when he lets himself focus that he realizes Stark has fingerspelled his name and that he’s been signing as well as speaking. 

“Yeah, I’m here.” He looks Stark in the eye and lifts his hands, willing them to stop shaking. “And it’s just, Clint.”

Stark smiles and it’s a genuine one. “Great! And I’m just, Tony.”

Clint laughs at how enthusiastic Tony’s signing is. “I’ve got my aids in, you don’t have to keep signing.”

“You sure? Romanoff said you might be feeling overwhelmed and the signing could help.”

“I’m sure. Thanks, though.” Clint rocks back off his knees and takes a seat next to Tony.

Tony tips his head back, letting the sun warm his face. “So, you and Coulson, huh?”

“Yeah. Or maybe not, anymore. I don’t fucking know.” Clint picks up a piece of gravel and flicks it toward a specific brick near the door. “Nat spill the beans?”

“She did. Figured it out by the way you ran out, though. You’re the cellist?”

“Yeah.” Clint laughs again, but it sounds hollow even to him. “Phil hasn’t used that one in a while.”

“Why a cellist?”

“Because a cellist plays with a bow and a bow is what I prefer to shoot with.” Clint keeps it to himself that it’s specifically a cellist because of some classical piece Clint really liked and told Phil about. 

Tony’s face lights up as he starts to laugh. “That is really fucking clever.”

“No one really believed it when we hooked up, so we decided to have some fun with it.” 

“That Coulson nabbed you, or that you nabbed Mr. Super Nanny spy himself.”

“Usually that Coulson was slumming it with an ex-merc who used to be in the circus.”

Tony nods and they sit there together in silence. After a minute, Tony starts picking targets and Clint hits them with pieces of gravel. 

When Clint’s palm runs empty, he finally asks, “why’d they send you?”

“Volunteered.” 

“Seriously?”

“Cross my heart.” Tony takes off his glasses and looks Clint in the eye. “I’ve got experience.”

“How old were the people you were dating for them to be losing their memories?” 

Tony punches him in the arm. “Jackass.” he looks down at the ground, finger drawing in the dust. “Wasn’t someone I was dating. It was Jarvis. Human Jarvis, not AI JARVIS.” 

“Gotcha. What happened?”

“Howard never remembered anything unless it was about the business or finding Cap. But Jarvis? Jarvis remembered everything. Birthdays. Holidays. Big moments. All that stuff. After my parents died, he did a lot. Kept Obie at bay when I was drinking too much and made sure I ate. But after a while, he started to forget. The day he thought I was Howard, I almost broke down crying. So, I get it. What it’s like to have someone you love, forget you.”

Clint can see it in Tony’s eyes how much it still hurts. “Damn.”

“I know. It sucks.”

“It really does.” 

They stay out there a little longer until Tony pokes him with an elbow. “Ready to go in? My ass is numb.”

“I’m ready.” Clint stands and offers Tony a hand. “At least, I think I'm ready.” 

“You don’t have to see him yet. You can take some time. I know Cap is already planning on visiting again. He wants to give Coulson a new set of cards, signed of course.” 

They move down the stairs at a slower pace, Tony talking to fill the silence and give Clint a chance to think. When they reach the floor they need, Tony stands in front of the door until Clint tells him he’s okay. 

“I want to see him. At least let him know I’m okay. It’s not his fault he can’t remember. It’s-”

“Don’t you dare say it’s yours.”

“Fine. Can we go now?”

Tony lets him through and follows him back to Phil’s room. When they go inside, everyone falls silent and Clint can feel Phil’s eyes on him. Natasha ushers everyone out and once they’re alone, Clint steps forward. 

“Sorry I ran out like that.” 

Phil watches him, gaze assessing. “Talk to me, Clint. It’s just us right now.”

“It’s hard, boss. I don’t know if telling you things will hurt you because you can’t remember them and I don’t want to do that. I never want to do that. Not to you.”

“Fury isn’t telling me shit, but there’s more between us, isn’t there? I’m not just your handler anymore.”

Clint moves closer to the bed and he can see Phil’s hands are shaking. Taking a deep breath, he covers Phil’s hand with his own. “No. You’re not just my handler anymore.”


End file.
